Mixed Bag of Allsorts

Woops. It's happened again. Too busy living life to document it. This post only makes two posts for the month of February. Blogger FAIL.

Here is a quick update of all things me.

Poppy has settled wonderfully into her Kindy. We are so proud of her. Seeing her excited to get to Kindy and start the day with her class is a real joy. They have started learning the letters of the alphabet. Which is a bit funny because she already knows them. I didn't teach her them, she seems to have learnt them herself over the last few years with all the books and educational toys we have in the home.

Harry seems to be happy to part with her during the day. He is loving being the only speaking child at home during the day with me and little Tilly. He is really loving it. And I am loving it too. We have never really had much time to ourselves Harry and I. Having Poppy and Harry so close in age, things were always so busy with the two of them.

Miss Tilly turned 4 months today. I cannot believe how fast the time has flown by. She is still a wonderful baby. She sleeps well in the night, needing usually only one feed to see her through. She settles right back to sleep so I am happy to do it! During the day she is POSSIBLY THE WORST SLEEPER IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Hello 45 minute cat naps. Blah. Both Poppy and Harry did that and she is just the same. It's just a challenge we are going through and I am not letting it worry me because they all grew out of it. Good news is that she doesn't seem to suffer at all from reflux (the first two had it BAD). She is a beautiful happy baby and we are enjoying relishing her smallness and I really should stop squishing her cheeks and inhaling her smell and get on and do some housework. Yeah. NOPE. Housework can wait until they are all moved out.

Here is a picture of Tilly today. 4 months old. How we loves her so.

All the Australian Mummy Bloggers are off for the very first conference ever in Sydney next month! I am a bit sad that I won't be able to make it because it would truly be fabulous to meet all these lovely ladies (and gents) that I have met online over the past few years. With the children so small and Tilly being tricky during the day it just isn't possible. Perhaps the next one? Wishing you all a fab time. Have a drink for me won't you?

Awesome Parenting 101. Things I Tell My Children

Are your kids turning into little sh*ts? Is little Johnny driving you bonkers? Have you moved Wine O'Clock to 9am? Would you rather hide from your offspring than spend time with them?

Let me help you. Here is a post where I get to share my extensive parenting wisdom. My methods work. You may find them somewhat unconventional, but I have 4 years experience at this parenting caper and I have 3 of the little rascals. You won't be finding any of my tips in a Parenting Book. These are mostly written by smart arses with PHD's and no practical experience in you know... child rearing. Parenting books are only good for one thing, throwing them at your husband when he is being annoying.

LESSON ONE The Mean Lady

This is her real name. First name Mean. Surname Lady. She is a frightful old woman. She has missing teeth, grey hair, worts on her face with hairs coming out of them. She smells and she doesn't bathe. Her clothes are old and torn. She has boogers in her nose. Bad breath. She has lots of dirty animals and they all poo inside the house and she is very lazy and never cleans it up.

When we are out and about and we smell something a bit yuck I declare "The Mean Lady was here. I can smell her". The kids say "Where is she Mum?" and I tell them she was told to go away. Because she is too horrible to be seen in public.

The Mean Lady is not real. She is a credit to my overactive imagination. I made her up as a way to get my kids to behave. Every week I add another characteristic onto The Mean Lady for good effect and for a little bit of extra drama to keep things exciting!

When my kids are naughty I threaten them with a visit from The Mean Lady. Let me demonstrate. One time Harry (2) would not lay down in his bed to go to sleep. I made a mad dash to the phone to call The Mean Lady. I had a very animated discussion with the dial tone and she arrived shortly after (which was actually me emulating her, the boy couldn't see). He was terrified. "Noooo Mum, NOT THE MEAN LADY!!" The boy lay down and went to sleep. I advised The Mean Lady that we did not need her services today as the boy was now being good. Thankyou Very Much. She was kind enough to leave promptly. *ahem*.

My kids are TERRIFIED of her. When I threaten them with a visit from The Mean Lady they scurry to make things right and IT WORKS. Feel free to steal this method.

LESSON TWO Vegetables

Are your little monkeys not eating their vegetables? Here is the advice you have been waiting for. All here. For free. Yes it is your lucky day. Thank me later.

Again, this method is a little unconventional. Also a little graphic. If you are a delicate little flower you best skip this bit because you aren't going to like it.

Eat Vegetables? No problemo. Tell them if they do not eat them, their poo will get stuck up their bum, for eating vegetables makes your poo come out nice and easy. If your poo gets stuck up your bum then we have to visit the doctor who will stick his hands up there to remove it. You see I haven't really lied to them have I? Just over dramatised it somewhat. A healthy diet does make for good bowel function. If you tell them this they will actually run and get the broccoli out of the fridge and eat it raw.

Don't judge me. I really am an excellent mother. And extremely creative it seems. Hec I just make it up as I go. Who doesn't?

This is not my son but I dare say he needs a visit from The Mean Lady.

What things do you say to your children?

The Stupid Things I do. Number 15678

Yesterday was the day that I re-asserted my belief that I am an absolute bloody idiot.

My daughter starts kindy tomorrow. You didn't know this until now because I have been sitting in the chair named DENIAL. She is too young to start Kindy. After all, she was only born last week. Right? I have finally accepted that she must go to Kindy and she will go tomorrow with me holding on for dear life.

Yesterday I had to go and pick up her SCHOOL LIST ITEMS. For Kindy. Yes. Kindergarten children now have SCHOOL LISTS. When I was in Kindy all we needed was a few bits of broken crayon and a bucket to muck about in the sandpit. And if your name was Mario you needed a spade so you could hit other kindy kids about the head with it.

Let's rewind back to 3 months ago. The first day home with our little newborn Tilly. In the mail is a letter from the school advising that Poppy has been accepted. Into the PUBLIC SCHOOL. Thank God, what the hell were we going to do if she didn't get in? Send her to a PRIVATE school? There in the envelope is her booklist. If I get online within the next two weeks and order with this Expensive Stationery Supplier, the goods can be delivered to the school. In my post natal bliss, I wasn't ready to deal with this because it seemed so far in the distant future. I thought to myself "Stuff It, I will go elsewhere and get it all cheaper". Stupid me.

So yesterday I left the kids with Mum. I go to Officeworks. Along with 1 million other people. After several failed attempts at finding a spot to put my car, I finally get one. Hurrah. I go inside. There is not a skerrick of stationery left in the whole fucking shop. Fuck. I have to abort mission. I get back to the car. Some looney has parked me in. I have an amazing ability to encounter every inconsiderate asshole in Perth when I leave my house. I manage some highly skilled driving Kamikaze to get my car back onto the road.

I drive to Big W. Not a fricken HB pencil left in the whole bloody joint. Shit. I manage to find the glue she needs. Not crappy Clag glue that we all had at school, but Blu Glu, some fancy pants glue that goes on blue, dries clear. WTF.

Ok so I still have some more things on my list. Let's try Kmart. It's in the same shopping centre. The only thing I can find on the shelves is DUST. Because there is nothing left here either. Shit.

I have been gone 2 hours and still all I have is GLUE. After a cursing session in the car I decide I must get all the missing stuff from The Expensive Place they told me to get it from. I have no choice. There is no stationery of any description left in any shop in metropolitan Perth. I drive there. I select all the goods including a bloody Art Folio and Windy Up Crayons. Why do they need this fancy stuff? Kindy art is only good for the bin after you have praised their excellent efforts. And Windy Up Crayons? Seriously, the kids just wind it up too far and then it snaps rendering it absolutely useless. I go to pay. The queue is so long, I briefly consider stealing this stuff. But no. That would be illegal. The queue is out the door and out the other door. In the carpark. It took half an hour to reach destination Checkout.

I am so depleted. 3 hours of getting all the booklist items. Stupid me wanted to get it cheaper elsewere. And I end up buying it at the place they told me to. I could have saved 3 hours of my life and excessive swearing if I had just done as they asked me to.

And that is a lesson for you. Just pay the money. It is worth every extra penny.

I won't be doing that again.