Awesome Parenting 101. Things I Tell My Children

Are your kids turning into little sh*ts? Is little Johnny driving you bonkers? Have you moved Wine O'Clock to 9am? Would you rather hide from your offspring than spend time with them?

Let me help you. Here is a post where I get to share my extensive parenting wisdom. My methods work. You may find them somewhat unconventional, but I have 4 years experience at this parenting caper and I have 3 of the little rascals. You won't be finding any of my tips in a Parenting Book. These are mostly written by smart arses with PHD's and no practical experience in you know... child rearing. Parenting books are only good for one thing, throwing them at your husband when he is being annoying.

LESSON ONE The Mean Lady

This is her real name. First name Mean. Surname Lady. She is a frightful old woman. She has missing teeth, grey hair, worts on her face with hairs coming out of them. She smells and she doesn't bathe. Her clothes are old and torn. She has boogers in her nose. Bad breath. She has lots of dirty animals and they all poo inside the house and she is very lazy and never cleans it up.

When we are out and about and we smell something a bit yuck I declare "The Mean Lady was here. I can smell her". The kids say "Where is she Mum?" and I tell them she was told to go away. Because she is too horrible to be seen in public.

The Mean Lady is not real. She is a credit to my overactive imagination. I made her up as a way to get my kids to behave. Every week I add another characteristic onto The Mean Lady for good effect and for a little bit of extra drama to keep things exciting!

When my kids are naughty I threaten them with a visit from The Mean Lady. Let me demonstrate. One time Harry (2) would not lay down in his bed to go to sleep. I made a mad dash to the phone to call The Mean Lady. I had a very animated discussion with the dial tone and she arrived shortly after (which was actually me emulating her, the boy couldn't see). He was terrified. "Noooo Mum, NOT THE MEAN LADY!!" The boy lay down and went to sleep. I advised The Mean Lady that we did not need her services today as the boy was now being good. Thankyou Very Much. She was kind enough to leave promptly. *ahem*.

My kids are TERRIFIED of her. When I threaten them with a visit from The Mean Lady they scurry to make things right and IT WORKS. Feel free to steal this method.

LESSON TWO Vegetables

Are your little monkeys not eating their vegetables? Here is the advice you have been waiting for. All here. For free. Yes it is your lucky day. Thank me later.

Again, this method is a little unconventional. Also a little graphic. If you are a delicate little flower you best skip this bit because you aren't going to like it.

Eat Vegetables? No problemo. Tell them if they do not eat them, their poo will get stuck up their bum, for eating vegetables makes your poo come out nice and easy. If your poo gets stuck up your bum then we have to visit the doctor who will stick his hands up there to remove it. You see I haven't really lied to them have I? Just over dramatised it somewhat. A healthy diet does make for good bowel function. If you tell them this they will actually run and get the broccoli out of the fridge and eat it raw.

Don't judge me. I really am an excellent mother. And extremely creative it seems. Hec I just make it up as I go. Who doesn't?

This is not my son but I dare say he needs a visit from The Mean Lady.

What things do you say to your children?